Once upon a time, in a strange land far far away, (Northern Ireland), a competition of sorts was afoot. Two dogs were
put in a ring and battled to the death.
However, a far more noble competition was underway but not a few miles away. Thats
right people, the annual Mourne Mountain Marathon! The two heros of this tale, Seamus and Paddy, brought it upon themselves
to run in this death-defying event, for money? No. For prizes? No. For Women? Well, maybe. But most of all for glory! (And
showing off their manly leg hair.)
hero Seamus, aka Corperal Punishment, had to make his way to the safety of paddys, aka General Misdemeanors gaf, defying
deadly traps, (running away from paddy's cow's), chasing after a train on the getaway, (at Connely station), paddys drving and
competing in the most challenging of dares. (Eating the pellets usually reserved for Cows) At this point, our heroes reached
the safty of paddys mums crib, only to find a new danger awaiting, (not including his dads ping pong skill...) Against all
odds, our hero Seamus pulled through this ordeal with not a scratch. The challenge: Sleeping in a double bed with Paddy. (Him
wearing only boxers, it must be said.) At on point, our hero, General Misdemenour woke up to find he was staring
directly into the face of Corporal Punishment, about 2 inches away. The General thought he was dreaming, but quickly realsied
it was reality with the Corperal stroking the Generals face (That was really scary) But he pulled through. (no pun intended)
Our heros arrive on time at the event, not as impressive
considering we had the last start of everyone. After getting the final preperation ready, (eating), off they went, for some
reason sprinting full gallop, to the place called: 'the place where everyone takes down their map'. After hurridly taking
down the map, it looked as if Paddy was navigating, being the only one with the course marked in.
Number 1 was not such
a good control. We ended up running about 500 meters down a forest track, before turning around for 250 meters and running
up a little side track. Things went smoother after that. 2 was no problem, 3 was no problem but we took longer than needed.
That fecker 4 was straight up a steep feckin hill, with people eating food and paddy wanted some, 5 was full pace along a
ridge, 6 was around a mountain, (the high road! Turned out to be not such a good one, though we did find a refreshing waterfall!)
and up another. 7 was beautiful, a real orienteering control. Straight down a mountain to hit the end of a river. Our heros
hit it perfectly, (applause for Paddy!) (appluase for Shea for having faith in me), and left the huddled, confused cluster
of non-orienteers silently and smoothly. 8 was up and over a platue, (i never know how to spell that). And this is where it
gets interesting! On the way to 9, we passed one of the favourites, Raymond and rory Finlay, who were carrying liquids other
than water, towards the end of the leg which was uphill, who did we see, that started 30 mins in front of us, but our heros
arch-nemesis, (nemesii?) two hill-running champs from the north. Determinded to pass them, Paddy set off at full throttle,
but our other hero, Seamus, had been badly wounded and could not keep up (I was absolutly knackered after this 2 hours of
hill running...) Paddy reached the control, and lucky for Seamus, the next leg was back downhill. We raced down after our
nemesii, for the final control and the run in, inching past them as they had to cross a river. Breathless, but pride intact,
our heros semi-collasped and decided to set up camp...
Tent set up and regular food, (paddy stealing all the elevnses) not much reason to get out of bed. (apart
from the 'close contact'...) and going to check the results board to laugh at others misfortune, our heros fell wearily
to sleep, (or rather, kept awake by sing-song with our nemesii, the odd walker arriving in and singing 'The fields of Athenry'
at the top of his voice, and of course, the 'incident') The 'incident' deserves to have its own space, away to ther confines
of brackets, so here is it:
There our favorite hero (Seamus) was, quitely dreaming of cut-throats and spanish blades.
Our less favorite hero, (Paddy the KNOB) decides to be an idiot. 5 minutes after sleep has consumed the Corperal, he is shook
urgently awake by the General. "Seamus, its light outside and i hear voices and a T R Actor. We should get up"
SAKE!!! YOU TOSSER!!! After considering getting up, our heros duly fell asleep, much relieved when the morning came,
that Paddy the tosser was wrong and we hadnt missed our start. (Which would have been worse, to miss your start, or to miss
your sleep?) Our heros were once again safe.
As our heros made theyre way to the front of the crowd at the gate at the mass start many people were bragging
saying how well they had run the day before and laughing at our heros hair (for Shea) and headbands (for Paddy). they also
found it hilarious how scrumpled up Paddys map was, until he told them were they had finished the day before. Ha!
The mass start started, Paddy and Seamus being first to the place that was the place where everyone takes down their maps,
and once again, Seamus got the unfair cut and the unmarked map. Todays journey was uneventful, our heros led the field from
just after number 1, (some guys decided to run off with the clues rather than take it down) and beat us by a mere 2 seconds.
The only thing of concern was coming up to the finish, a big mountain called 'Wee Binninh' (Correct my spelling Paddy) *Binnian.
Paddy once again left our hero for dust, as the Coperal had done at the start, so it all balanced out. However, not being
able to locate the control in question, Paddy had to pick up his partner and get the clues, before legging it off again. Getting
the control, but with others in hot persuit, our heros decided to go round a tiny hill instead of over it, due to the constant
whining of a certain team-mate. This of couse, says Murphy, leads you into gorse, which fecked up our legs quite well. We
got through it, Paddy gives Seamus a 50 meter head-start down the 200m run-in that was at least 500m, and our heros finish
together, to the unending and gracious cheers of spectators. With the people on the laptop trying to be funny, telling Patrick
that they had missed a control! On the winners route choice map that day, there was a few extra pen marks, which when showing
our route choices says, "Paddy's idea", illustrating a few crap route choices. But, back safe and sound, our heros saved the
day and win by 45 in total, destroying the evil nemesii and everyone else aswell, kinda like Arnold Swachenneger. (who looks
like a condom full of walnuts). The game is over, our heros come out on top, but its time for Seamus to complete his journy
home, although he wanted another night in Paddys bed first! Truely Gods among men!
So thanks Paddy, well done to both
of us, cheers to your family, (Hi!) and see you again for the B course no doubt! Over and Out!
Written by Seamus O'
Boyle (Coperal Punishment) who is suprised he can still remember all this.
Place Team Name 1
Name 2 S1
1 738 HIGGINS PATRICK
SEAMUS O'BOYLE 3:12:02 1
3:31:54 1 6:43:56 Junior
2 678 WEIR PAUL
JONATHAN McCLOY 3:43:23 2
3:42:37 4 7:26:00 Junior
3 578 SMYTH PAUL
CIARAN YOUNG 3:54:39 5
3:38:36 2 7:33:15 Open
4 536 COOK BRIAN
STUART MAIR 3:59:42 11
3:40:12 3 7:39:54 Vet
5 551 MASTERTON LORNA
TOM GREIG 3:56:00 6
3:48:14 6 7:44:14 Mixed Vet
734 CONERNEY DEREK TOM CONLON
3:59:40 10 3:46:56 5
EWART DAVID NORMA REA
3:58:49 8 3:49:23 8
O'REILLY KEVIN CHRIS FEHILLY
3:59:00 9 3:50:50 10
FINLAY RORY RAYMOND FINLAY
3:51:17 3 4:07:01 13
MULLINS BRIAN KEVIN DOWNEY
4:18:55 13 3:48:22 7